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i have no sense of self, therefore, nothing to say...

maybe this will help my writer's block....

..........or maybe not...



i'm stuck.
I am sore today...

My teeth are doing ok, actually. I saw my oral surgeon Wednesday; he wants my stiches to stay in as long as possible and for me to continue eating only soft foods (ice cream and soup) for at least two more weeks. I've been basically living off of Vanilla Frosty's from Wendy's and chocolate-flavored High Protein Boost drinks... Everytime I try to eat something else, it just doesn't work. I tried to eat some Lipton Chicken-flavored Noodle stuff Cameron wanted the other day, and I couldn't even manage that! Last night I bravely attempted to eat some french fries, which surprisingly worked out allright, but only if I ate the super soft ones and just kinda mushed em up with the two very back teeth I have left and my tongue, just enough so I could swallow... It was a lot of work, and I didn't eat that many, but it was a nice change to eat something solid. Today my gums are sore though, so no more of that!
Yesterday I woke up with a hirrid migraine from grinding my "no-teeth" all night - UGH! I can't wait to see my regular dentist and get a mouth guard or something. Grinding my teeth is something I seem to do all day and night - that and I seem to keep my jaw "set" and clenched way too hard without even noticing it (until it aches or something). I couldn't get my migraine to let up yesterday, and I had a bunch of errands I wanted to run - including paying the electric bill so they don't turn it off!! I also needed to go pay Comcast for the cable/internet and go to the store... Since I figured I wouldn't be able to make it of I tried to drive, my sister agreed to come over and drive me around on my errands. I first had her run me up to the Bale's Thriftway that's literally right behind my house so I could get coffee (they have a starbucks inside). I had her run to the liquor store while I was getting coffee to get me a couple packs of cigarettes. While I was standing there, waiting for them to make my iced venti 5-shot 12-pump vanilla latte, I couldn't even keep my eyes open and felt like I was going to throw up all over the floor at any second... So, I asked my sister if she'd take me home and I'd give her some cash, if she'd take Cam to McDonalds, and go to Fred Meyers to pick up things I needed - my prescription, cat food, etc... She agreed, and I barely made it up the stairs to my apartment and in the door before I was throwing up. LUCKILY I was able to stop throwing up and I didn't get on one of my cycles where I can't stop and end up in the ER. I was worried about the stitches in my mouth getting irritated by throwing up but luckily they seemed to do okay. I took a nausea pill, wrapped a rag around my eyes (blocking out all the light seems to help), laid on my "bed" (i.e. the couch), and managed to pass out somehow. When my sister showed up a couple hours later with Cameron, I woke up and was actually FINALLY feeling better! I was *SO* relieved... My sister bought Cam a toy, too, this little electronic box called a "Pixel Chix". I'd seen them at the store before, and he'd wanted one before, but I remember them seeming expensive (like almost $30) for what it was - and what it was I couldn't figure out. So, I always told him sorry, no, pick something else. But she got him one cuz they were on clearence (only $9) and after opening it and playing with it, I see that it's actually pretty cool. It reminds me of those "Tamagotchi" keychain toys that were popular in the 90's, only a lot cooler and there's a lot more you can do with it - and if you have two or more you can "hook" them together and they do even more stuff. So, I'm actually thinking of getting him another one or two (so then I can play with one too, lol, since he doesn't really want to share!) I'm such a dork...

So... not much else is new... I'm still sore... I saw my doctor on Thursday (the one taking over for my nurse practitioner who's on "maternity leave" cuz she's adopting a baby). She was very glad that everything was going well with my dental work so far and relieved to hear that my pain was kept under control afterward. She was excited to hear about my upcoming appointment with the pain clinic on the 8th. I'm getting excited too - I got the paperwork to fill out in the mail and on the coversheet it has the list of Dr.'s that work in the clinic. It's OHSU's new Comprehensive Pain Center, and I have an appointment with the MEDICAL DIRECTOR of the entire clinic! I'm pretty stoked, and wonder how my geneticist managed to get me in to see him, and not someone lower on the totem pole. My dr hopes they have some better ideas of what to do with me other than the methadone, cuz she's out of ideas to treat my pain (more like she's just unwilling to recommend anything else). I mentioned to her (for the 10000th time) how my R underarm and my tailbone/spine just won't quit and have been bothering me a lot. She actually examined me (which my N.P. never did, she'd just write it down and go "oh, that hurts too?"), and said that under my arm, like to the side of my boob, there's definitely an area where it seems "thickened" and that's odd, and the in my back, my spinal processes are very tender to the touch, to which she just said "hmmmmmm....". She also said she was going to make sure that it says in big letters all over my chart that I have EDS, as my NP didn't really ever make it clear that it had been decided. But she also mentions, when she looks at my blood work, that my bone marrow seems to be barely keeping me alive, live just working at the bare minimum - but then never does or says any more about it. I guess it just concerns me, and I don't get why no one does anything about it... See, this whole thing started out with me having tumors in the red bone marrow of my right tibia (one of your lower leg bones). This was right before I got pregnant, and no one could figure out what they were. I had a biopsy, but the tests were inconclusive - not benign, not malignent, just inconclusive as in they have no idea what the hell it is. I've had another tumor in the muscle of my right calf that was attached to the bone as well, which has also been removed. My blood work is consistenly weird and messed up - notably low red and white blood cell counts, but my monocyte count (which is sorta like baby white blood cells) is off the charts high... which from my medical understanding really isn't good! I know I only have an associate's degree in medicine, and am not even close to a dr, but I do know a lot. Enough to know that with my blood counts and weird symptoms that if I was a dr and saw that in my patient, I'd definitly invesitgate further. I've had bone scans, all of which my right leg lights up like a glow-stick in - which means its "metabolically active" (which means it's up to something, most likely no good). Before they figured this EDS stuff out, they were convinced I had a bone marrow disorder, which one they didn't know... But then the EDS came up, and the bone-marrow stuff has been brushed under the rug. I still have, like, no iron, and had to do five IV-Venofer treaments (which I finished on Wednesday! YAY ME!!), which means my body isn't storing it right. I don't know... I know a lot of my pain is EDS related, and that's such a relief. But then, on the other hand, there's this other stuff that just doesn't fit with EDS, and it's all getting ignored... Part of me feels dumb being concerned about it, but then I think, wait, if this were someone else, I'd be worried...

So... enough about medical crap and whiney, whiney, whining...

Thank GOD for video poker!! LOL!! No, really! See, my electric and Comcast bills are WAY past due, like to the point of going to be turned off on the 30th, and I just didn't have any money and was stressing on how on earth I was going to pay them... My roommate's aunt goes to this church once-in-a-while and they help pay her electric bill, and she thought I could go there too and at least ask for assistance. Well, I *REALLY* hate doing this (I won't even go to the food bank - I know I qualify and do need it, I just hate it. It's not like I think I'm "too good for that" or anything, I just hate asking for charity), but since they were going to turn the power off on the 30th, and there seemed to be no other way, I decided to suck it up and go ask. So, we went Thursday to go to the church... And, after waiting there and filling out the assistance application, I'm told that sorry, I live out of the "area" and they can't help me. I'm crushed and can feel tears starting to well, but I hide it, smile, say no biggie, that I understand, and thank you anyhow. We walk back to the car and I'm shaking inside, trying not to cry. My roommate suggests we go to another church he mentioned that might help. I tell her no, fuck it, I'm not going to any more churches. I dropped her off at her friends house and started to drive home. While I was driving, I was starting to stress on it, and how I was going to come up with the money short of selling myself (which I'm not entirely opposed to, lol, but who'd wanna pay for that??!?), and I just said to myself to fucking knock it off, quit stressing, and just let it go. I told myself it'd get figured out and taken care of and that I wasn't going to let myself even think about it anymore. So, I come home and take a nap instead of letting it worry me. And lo and behold, guess what happens?? The money-fairies must've been smiling down on me, cuz my roommate went out with her friend to drink and play video poker, and she won over $400!!!!!!! She gave her friend some (since it was his money she was gambling with), paid their tab, and brought me home enough money to pay the electric bill AND to pretty much pay Comcast off!!!!!!! WHHHOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so relieved and feel very blessed and thankful. Not like I could ever pull that off, or really recommend that someone try to pay their bills this way, but SHIT! I STILL can't believe it! Thank you, video poker, Thank YOU!


Anyway........ I guess that's it....


**************found this, thought I'd do it*********************

Boredom may cause memeness.

01. Name: Chandra (pronounced Shawndra) which is an Indian name meaning "Moon Goddess", but in India is actually a male name, not female. Go figure.
02. Birthday: May 16th 1979, making me a Taurus
03. Place of Residence: Aloha, OR
04. What makes you happy: hmmmm....myself, my son, music, my friends, 420...
05. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:ummm Maroon 5's new album probably
07. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ: about mine? or yours?
08. An interesting fact about you: I was born 3 months premature
09. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment: in love
10. Favourite place to be: at the beach
11. Favourite lyric:can't think right now... maybe if I think about it for a while...
12. Best time of the year: Fall
13. Weirdest food you like: Corned Beef Hash?? Is that wierd? I love falafel too...

RECOMMEND
1. A film: The Devil's Rejects or Audition
2. A book: The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test
3. A song: Shine On Crazy Diamond/Wish You Were Here : Pink Floyd
44 A band/singer: Antigone Rising (pronounced An-te gun-ee, like the myth) and their lead singer Cassidy - an amazing band YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF (most likely anyhow, and if you have, good-on-ya)
5. Artist/painter/photographer: My sister Neffie

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me: that we're a lot alike
2. Two things you like about yourself: I'm understanding and compassionate
3. Put this in your lj so i can tell you what I think of you(optional). I did
4. POST A PICTURE OF YOU! I don't have any new ones! Maybe soon though.......

**********************************************************************

That's all folks!
~*
So.... Yesterday I had five teeth pulled - three in back on R side (two bottom, one top), one in the back on bottom L side, and one top front tooth (so I really only want ONE front tooth for Christmas, lol). The surgery went suprisingly well, and they gave me a prescription for Percocet, in addition to the oxycodone my primary gave me (the only difference is percocet has tylenol in it with the oxycodone), and they wrote the script different so it went through the insurance just fine (I was worried they wouldn't fill it since I just got the oxycodone, but they did cuz "technically" it's different enough). And my pain has been remarkabley easy to deal with - meaning on a scale of one to ten, I'm literally at 1 1/2 - 2... so AWESOME. AND I've only taken 9 of my pain pills so far (4 yesterday, 1 in the middle of the night, and 4 so far today). I'm SO happy and SO RELIEVED that everything is all good. I was really worried... But they stitched up all the places they pulled and also put these weird plastic-cover-thingys (like a weird band-aid that feels almost like a contact lense) over the stiches and the plastic-bandaids keep them all covered and I don't need to keep any gauze over them. I think the plastic-bandaid things help SO much, cuz it keeps them covered from air and drinks.

And I FINALLY got an appointment with the pain clinic at OHSU!!! YAY!!! I get to see Dr. Stacey (who's I guess the head Dr there and my geneticst reffered me specifically to Dr. Stacy cuz he's familar with EDS) on August 8th, and it's a 2-hour long appointmet. They're also going to mail me a thirty-page packet to fill out and bring. I've got pretty high hopes for this appointment, and hopefully he'll switch me off the methadone to something else...

It's crazy, I think my neck is a lot more sore than my teeth! And the percocet keeps giving me bad hiccups...

Other than that, everything's all good. YAY!

T-2 and counting...

I am anxious... it started building earlier in the day...

I had my second iron treatment today. It went ok. Yesterday when I went for my treatment, I used the Tram to get to OHSU's waterfront building since I had my pre-op appointment up on the hill earlier in the day and it saved me gas (and time!). Today, however, I drove straight to the waterfront building. I'd driven there once before, last fall, to pick up my glasses, but couldn't remember how I'd gotten there. So I looked at the map they'd given me at my pre-op appointment (why they gave me a map and directions to the waterfront building was beside me since my surgery was on the hill) but I somehow missed a turn and wound up on I-5 South... Oh joy! I blame it on Market St being closed and my being unfamiliar with Naito Parkway, but I was a bit embarassed since I know downtown pretty well... mostly I was pissed cuz I couldn't exit I-5 and turn around for quite a while. Luckily, I was still on time for my appointment... They had left my IV in yesterday, just wrapping it up so they could use it again today, which was fine by me. It worked for about half the treatment before my vein gave out and they had to start a new IV. Other than that, the treatment was uneventful. It went pretty quickly and I was out of there and home around 7.

So Thursday's D-day... 5 teeth pulled... I'm so not looking forward to it. This will be the third time I've had 4 or more teeth pulled - 4 before my braces at age 13, 4 wisdom teeth - and now these 5... Each one was worst than the last, and I'm dreading it almost. I'm trying to stay positive though, and not worry about it. Ugh...

My underarm pain has really started to both bother me and worry me a bit... They throb quite a lot, and the non-stop ache has started to seep into my mind a bit and make me wonder what the hell is going on. Between that and my tailbone aching, it's getting annoying. My tailbone aches so much, but my dr just brushes it off. I plan on bringing it up again at my next appointment.

Ugh... nothings really new or different or exciting... just a regular ol' rainy Portland day (the kind of days I love by the way)... so I guess that's it...

~*

Sunday...

So, the past week has been interesting to say the least... but in a mostly good way, which is good, right?

The heat here in portland has been crazy. I'm glad we're nowhere near the 90's today, but it's still quite muggy out, which sucks. I just can't handle hot weather. If it gradually warmed up it would be a different story - instead we usually go from 60 to 95 to 70 to 100 and then back to 60 - there's no way to acclimate to it when it varies so much. They kept saying on the news we were going to have mad thunder storms, and I was greatly disapointed when there was just a baby-rumble the other night. I love thunder & lighting. I wish we'd have storms like we did when I was little - those were aweome!

Anyhow... I didn't mean to sit here and type about thunder... or the lack thereof...

Pain sucks! UGH! I have surgery on the 19th, and I'm getting freaked. I thought I'd been squirreling some extra methadone, so I could have extra just in case, but upon counting them yesterday, I realized I had exactly the amount I'm supposed to - which means I'd saved none. I'm irked! So the next five days I've decided I'm going to take 4 or 5 less pills a day so I can save them in case my pain is astronomical after my surgery. I normally take nine 10-mg methadone's a day, so dropping it by 4 or 5 is going to leave me in dire pain (not to mention extra sweaty and icky cuz it's way close to putting me in withdrawal). It's already that way. It sucks! I'm pretty sure that I know why I'm getting so apprehensive about the surgery... I've had quite a few surgeries in the past, and save for one, all of them have been horrid. Except for the last surgery on my right leg, my pain has been very undertreated, and I've been absolutley miserable (to put it nicely) after every one. So I think I have a right to be freaked. My oral surgeon told me that really all he could give me after getting 5 teeth pulled was Vicodin, cuz that's the strongest med he can prescribe, and he didn't think it would help me (which it wouldn't - it would be like taking tic-tacs), so he told me I'd need to get extra pain meds from my primary. Which wouldn't be so bad, except my primary's on maternity leave and I've been switched to a different dr. in the clinic. When I went to see her to get a script I could fill the day before the surgery, she agreed to give me oxycodone(5mg), but only gave 25 and I'm supposed to only take one 4 times a day. This might sound like a lot, but I have HUGE opiod tolerance, and the last time I had leg surgery, the orthopedic surgeon gave me oxycodone(5mg) and told me to take between 3 and 6 pills every 4-6 hours. So, can you SEE why I'm freaked about this upcoming sugery, and am trying to save extra pills?? I figure if I can save between 4 and 5 the next 5 days (since yesterday), I'd have between 20-25 extra pills just in case. That's if I can do it. I'm in a lot of pain right now, but I don't really need to do anything today, so I'm dealing with it.

I also saw my hematologist last Thursday - I have to see him prior to any surgery. He was pissed that my iron levels were so low, which didn't surprise me. Last time I saw my primary I mentioned how exhausted I was and that I was seeing my hematologist on the 12th and that when I did I was going to ask him to check my iron level. She brushed my tiredness off, but decided to check my hematocrit with a finger stick just to be safe. Well, she came running back in saying the crit was super low, and she wanted to do the iron tests so that when I saw the hematologist he'd have the results and wouldn't have to wait for them (if my iron's turned out to be super low my surgery could be canceled). So she did the test, and guess what it showed! My ferretin level (which is your Iron stores) was 7. Normal is between 10-200. So starting tomorrow I have to go get 5 Venofer (IV iron) treatments- 2 prior to my surgery and three next week just days after my surgery. Fun, fun! I'm actually looking forward to them as I've been exhausted lately - and I haven't felt this exhausted since last summer when my iron was just as low. I had 5 treatments last summer, and they helped greatly. My hematologist was pissed that no one had been checking it regularly and it got so low again. He also gave me a DDAVP nasal spray - DDAVP is a blood-clotting agent that I have to have before surgery. Usually they give it IV, but he wanted me to have something I could use at home if needed. I hope my insurance pays for it! I know the IV bags of DDAVP cost somewhere around $5,000 and the nasal spray is $600. For some reason my insurance will pay for the IV but not the spray. STUPID! He also gave me some weird kind of mouth rinse that I'm supposed to use as soon as I wake up from surgery and every 4-6 hrs after until it's gone. I swish it around and swallow it and he said it will make the blood clots in my mouth stronger and heal faster (did I already say my surgery is getting 5 teeth pulled?). So I hope it all works out.

Did I mention I've been in pain?? UGH!!!!!!!! My finger joints are SO bugging, I wrapped band-aids around the upper joints to hold them until I get my ring splints. I had a light-bulb moment yesterday when I popped my rib out (again!) - I got out one of my big-fat ace bandages and wrapped it around my ribs - why did I not do this ever before!! It helps SO SO much! I can cough and move around without my ribs popping in and out! With all of that and the 2 kneee braces, I am quite a sight... haha... At least it helps. I'm anxious to get my ring splints for my fingers. When I finally go to occupational therapy, I'm going to ask about rib spints or whatever they'd be called.

So, that's about all that's going on. I go tomorrow for my pre-op appointment at 1:30 and then the first Venofer at 3. Tuesday Venofer at 3. Thursday check in at 9:30, surgery at 11:30. I have a busy week!

On a non-medical side-note.... Last Friday Cam and I went up to the Couv and visited Ty and his two adorable kids. His wife was still in the hospital from her surgery, so I didn't get to see her, but I do hope she's doing better!! Anyway, Cam and the boys had a blast, and all he's been talking about it going back up to their house. It was good to see Ty, I hadn't seen him in probably over a year!! I love how no matter how much time has passed, there's no uneasiness or any of that weirdness or whatever. It's like no time has passed. I love friends like that!!

Alright, well that's it for my weekend of excitment. I'll write again soon...

~*

Sunday...

I am feeling okay today... Not much is going on. I've been working on my myspace page, mostly. How dorky am I? I'm new to this whole myspace thing, so I don't really fully understand it, but I've been trying. I figured I might as well see what all the hoopla was about it (myspace). It's different, but fun too I suppose.

Cam's sitting on the floor playing cars. I worry about him. Maybe I just give myself too hard of a time... I hate that he can't go out and play as much as I wish he could. Unfortunately we still live on the 2nd floor so he can't just run out the back door, and the other kids around here are assholes and keep to themselves. Not that I mind that they don't play with him - I'd hate for him to pick up their habits. But I still hate it. I can't wait to get him into preschool. I think he'd really flourish given the right environment.

I think the EDS has become the most frustrating aspect of my life. I've gotten so that I almost hate even talking about it. I hate talking about how I feel - I feel like I do nothing but complain. It's this hurts, that hurts, and this, and that, and this... on and on. It's frustrating because it's hard to explain to people that aren't affected how it really impacts every single movement your body makes. If I cough without bracing my arms against my ribs they sublux (pop out of and back into place). I'm lucky in that I don't have very many actual dislocations, but it seems that every single joint subluxes at least a few times a day sometimes. My shoulders pop and ache, so do my elbows, wrists, fingers, ribs, hips, knees, ankles, foot bones, toes... My tailbone constantly aches and I have to shift the way I sit a lot. My jaw gives me constant problems, and dislocates if I open my mouth too wide (which basically means don't ever ever yawn. Ever). Whine, whine, whine... Complain, complain, complain... That's what I feel like when I talk about this - like a big fat whiner. Let's see, where did I leave off... Oh... my joints. Basically, just normal, everyday activities that you wouldn't give a second thought to are very hard for me - showering, washing, combing, and fixing my hair, brushing my teeth - all are difficult and take a lot out of me. I've recently even needed help with showering and washing my hair because it is simply just too hard on my shoulders. Standing up for a long time is difficult, especially if I'm standing in one place, which makes cooking, doing dishes, and putting on makeup very difficult. It's hard to keep up with my very rambunctious 4-year old son. In fact, it's nearly impossible sometimes. He doesn't realize how much he hurts me sometimes. And it makes me sad to know that there are things he misses out on just because of me. I hate that the most. I'm so thankful for the help that I have with him and with the house otherwise I know I'd never make it.

I've also been thinking about the lack of people in my life and the fact that I don't really feel connected to anyone. It doesn't bother me, which makes me wonder... I have this complete inability to keep in contact with people in my life. It's not that I don't care about them or want them around, or any of that. I know I make no effort. That in itself is very clear to me - what isn't clear is why. Why don't I feel the need to stay connected to others? I've been thinking about this... my mom is this way too. She has no real close friends to speak of. And she never really has. It seems I am destined to repeat this pattern. Why doesn't this bother me more? On some level it does. I do crave social interaction sometimes. But I can't figure out what my issue is. I really can't...

At least I'm happy, right? ;P

And I am happy... that's actually the weirdest part of the whole thing... I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. And that's saying A LOT, trust me. I feel secure, mostly confident, and pretty together despite being so scatter-brained. My son's dad and I are working things out and things are going well for me in that respect. He's still in prison, and will be for quite a while longer, but he did the crime so he's gotta pay the time. I'll write more about this another time.

Anyhow, that's all for today...

~C

Friday...

I have been stressed out lately... Just with everything... My body, my health, my life situation...

I'm learning to accept my body's inherent failures... It's hard, and I definitely have my denial, but I think it's to be expected. On July 11th, though, the geneticist confirmed the diagnosis of generalized hypermobility disorder/Ehler's-Danlos Syndrome (HMS/EDS), which is what I'd been told earlier by the orthopedist. So, this is good, as it's not life-threatening, not nearly like the bone-marrow disorder they originally thought it was... So, while I'm in pain, I'm coping...

My life is stressing me out... My income is about $660 a month, and I get $160 in food stamps. I get rental assistance, so my rent's only $206, which is good. I pay my car payment of $200, and other bills, and it's pretty much spent. It wouldn't bother me, but I feel like instead of just trying to support myself and Cam I feel like I'm trying to support my roommate too. My roommate is a l-o-n-g story... but I'll tell it... She's a girl I met online who I met for a "blind" date or what ever a couple of years ago... We didn't really hit it off or anything, but we became friends. I guess I should re-phrase that- I've never really liked her in that way, other than friends, but she's always wanted more. I feel like I've made myself pretty clear in that I don't want to be with her and why, but she feels like it's something she can change - or at least she used to (I hope she still doesn't). I've talked to her about it till I was blue in the face, but she still doesn't seem to get that I just don't feel that way towards her. She used to think that if she tried hard enough than I eventually would. I hope she still doesn't think that way. Anyway, for a long time she would try to kiss on me and what not. I pull away all the time. I guess I don't get why she can be so relentless even though she knows very well how I feel. I've told her I only like her as a friend, and only ever will, but she still asks me if I'd marry her, and why not? Sometimes I'm like, are you kidding? It's JUST NOT THERE. It never will be. I don't know why she doesn't get that. Anyway, that's just part of the story... The other part is why she lives with me - that's because I need help with my house (keeping it clean and such), and she doesn't really have anywhere else to live, so I thought it would work out. She works once in a while for her aunt which gives her around $150 a month, and she does help out with what she can financially, I'll give her that much. It's just that - the house is a PIT. It always is. She makes comments sometimes about my helping her, and I'm just taken aback!! I feel taken advantage of, honestly I do. I buy about 99.9% of the food, and pay for nearly everything, including the cigarettes she smokes, toiletries she uses, everything! I guess I feel like if she actually made an honest effort, I wouldn't have much of an issue. She doesn't try, and does the most half-ass job she can most of the time. But get this - if I SAY anything about it, she says "oh sorry I'm not a good enough employee" and "you just want me here to clean the house". Sometimes I want to slap her and say "are you fucking kidding me??" I know she thinks I'm lazy. I can see it in her face and the way she acts, the comments she makes. Yet she claims to understand how my life is. Yeah, I'm sure sometimes I could try a little harder. But couldn't we ALL?? C'mon!?! I don't think she even realizes how much I stress on the bills and food and all of that. Sometimes I feel like she's taking advantage of me and fully knows it, like it's a joke to her and she thinks I'm stupid or nuts. But then I tell myself to knock it off. I think that she lies to me a lot - of that I'm pretty sure. She tells me how much of a whackjob her ex is all the time, yet runs off to see her anytime she commands (she lives in Seattle). I know she talks a lot about me, and has told people we were together when we weren't. That bothers me alot. I want to be friends with her, and on the surface we are, but underneath I know there's a lot of tension at least on my part. I guess I just don't trust her motives anymore. I feel like she won't give up til she gets down my pants, and I'm sorry, I've had enough of that. She says, no, that's not it at all, and I just don't get it. Well, what is it then?
I'm just confused. I wish we could get past this issue, but if there's not some kind of effort on her part, I don't know how we ever will. She says I make no sense... so... does this make sense?? I wonder...

I have surgery coming up on the 19th... I'm getting nervous! I'm having 4 or 5 teeth pulled. The combination of EDS and methadone had eaten my teeth (EDS causes very weak enamel, and methadone sure doesn't help!) (BTW- I take methadone for chronic pain, I'm not a recovering junkie, thanks...)

So, my roommate's out getting drunk - which will make her sick for at least a day (and annoys me, because I'm ill so often I don't see the point or feel sympathy for making yourself ill). Is it wrong that it bugs me? It's mostly how she acts when she's drunk - obnoxious and makes rude remarks all the time. Then gets spinny, pukey, sick, and I have to take care of her. Then is hungover for at least a day. I don't see the point! AT ALL!! Whatever - it's not my life, or my liver...

Well, that's all my venting for one night... till next time.

~C
Well... here I am. Where have I been? Here, in my head... I need to get all this out. But I don't know where to start. I've somehow lost the connection to my emotions that I once had. The switch has turned "off" and I'm left confused, empty, lost... I'm sure that I somehow turned that switch off myself. And if I think about it, I know why...

Something weird has happened to me. I've lost myself. Or the sense of myself that I used to have. I don't think that I'm depressed. That's the weirdest part. I know very well what depression and all of that feels like; like an old, loathed friend that comes around right at the most inconvenient times. I'm not depressed. For once in my life I'd actually go out on a limb and say that I'm actually happy. But is happiness really just the absence of any real emotion? I feel like I don't know what to say, what to think, where to go... I don't recall ever feeling this way in the past. Usually if I've been feeling deviod of emotion and flat, there's a dark quality underneath it pulling it down. I don't know.

These last few years have been hard and strange. I've come farther than I ever thought I would with regards to emotional health. But then again, maybe I'm just kidding myself. I don't get those dark, depressed days anymore. But then again, I don't really feel anything anymore. I've lost all the drive I've ever had, but that's not saying much because I've never really had a lot. I feel like I have no interests of any real kind. I think perhaps I've just changed a whole hell of a lot from who I used to be and I just don't know myself (again) yet. Could that be it? I really hope so.

Over the past 6 years SO many things have changed in my life that if I compare who I was then and who I am now they're nowhere in the same universe. I almost can't even remember that person, who she was and how it felt to be her. That's how drastically things have changed. I really need to post a new user pic. I was looking at it, realizing the age I was when I took it, and calculating the years (has it really been seven years?), it became incredibly clear. Well, that and I don't look nearly anything like that anymore. My hair's brown again, long (nearly to the bottom of my shoulders), and I can't even remember the last time I put all that damn makeup on! It takes too damn long anymore... I don't have the time, energy, or even desire anymore. I used to take a lot of pride in my appearance, my clothing, everything. Now I could truly give a rats ass. I can't believe I'm saying it, but I am. There has been such a gigantic shift in my life it's insane. Things have changed so so much I don't even know where to begin. I know I need to get all of this out of my mind... To start writing again and connect with that side of myself again. I miss it so much. It's really all I've been thinking about - writing again - but for some reason I've been scared to. That doesn't even make sense! Why on earth am I scared?, I think to myself. Maybe I'm scared to scratch beneath this blank-layer to what's really there going on underneath. I know I'm in some kind of denial. But I've been comfortable in this denial for way too long - so long that it's become incredibly uncomfortable and constricting and suffocating, but I haven't known how to get past it. Or haven't been willing to push myself past it because I think I really am afraid of what I'll find underneath. But I've taken a vow to do this, to get beneath it, to write again... I actually want to write a book, that actually has NOTHING to do with me perse, but in order for me to do that, I have to get past this. Otherwise I'll be stuck here in this horrid place of denial and nothingness forever. And the past two or three have been really unbearably long.
This is just the begining... I know I can be so much more than I am right now, even if I have to do it in a diferent way than how I think it should be done. I have to allow myself to accept what I CAN'T change and get on with it! Damn! What's wrong with me! lol... if it was that easy, I'd have done it already...
I have to forgive myself for taking this "break" from myself and make a dedicated effort to get back on track. That's the least I can do.

Just My Whining...

....
.....I have come to the conclusion that I am deeply dissatified with myself. Yet I lack the will or desire to really do anything about it, thus I convince myself that I am happy. And, to tell the absolute truth, I DO feel happy. Deceivingly so... I don't feel the tug of depression on a constant basis, in fact I rarely feel that way at all. Which is a HUGE accomplishment for me, right? So, why I am I complaining? Can you feel happy and so discontent all at once? Am I only happy so that all the things that bother me, that I could change if I weren't so lazy, don't really bother me? Is this the side-effect of being nearly perma-stoned? I mean, yeah, of course, weed is synonymous with lazy, but than again, so am I.

I don't know what's brought on this recent round of soul/mind/self analysis... I want to do yet fail to do a huge list of things every single day. The weight of this list in my mind, with nary a check-off on one item, leaves me feeling like a failure.

I STILL have yet to contact housing about my rent limit, therefore any apartment searching is on a permanent pause...
I STILL have yet to call my son't pediatrician to catch him up on his shots/checkups. For some reason I have this deep fear that they'll call CSD on me for having a 3 almost 4 year old so far behind on his immunizations. Don't ask me WHY I have this fear; I know it's unfounded... I mean, isn't it??? (Help me GOD if I'm wrong!!)

I don't know why I can't pick up the phone and make two simple phone calls. I don't know why I feel SO intimidated by these mindless tasks...

I'm also getting increasingly nervous about my impending trip to NYC to visit my sister... I SO excited to go - BEYOND WORDS excited to go! - don't get me wrong!! My sister booked and payed for my round-trip ticket, my mom and friends are giving me spending money, my mom is taking Cameron for the whole time I'm gone plus two days when I return so I can rest, what on EARTH do I have to complain about??!!? Nothing I guess. It's not really a complaint, just needless worrying. I've never been on a huge jet (only the tine 50-100 seaters that fly from Oregon to Idaho, haha, do they CALL THOSE planes??)... I've never been soooo far away from home... I've not been away from Cameron for longer than 2 days in over a year and a half... I'm nervous and anxious. I know I'll have a blast. My sister lives in Brooklyn, and I'll be there the 13th through the 18th. Not all that long, just long enough for a quick taste. I can't believe my sister went from not really believeing me about not feeling well, to buying me a round-trip ticket to see her because she's so worried about me and wants me to see NY before I go blind/she moves back home/whichever comes first. Which is SO insanely generous of her, I can't believe it!

If anyone does actually read this, and has been to NYC/Brooklyn/Close Surrounding Areas, any tips, places I MUST GO/SEE/VISIT/SHOP/EAT that you know of?? I don't have too long and I want to pack as much WOW into my trip as I can. I know my sister isn't too good at this - she's lived in Brooklyn for almost 6 years; she's a bit jaded. My mom and youngest sis came to visit her earlier this summer, and they both came home less than impressed. Not with NewYorkCity per se, just that they really didn't DO or SEE anything or GO anywhere other than Coney Island once for 10 min (quick walk-by). So..... I am a bit worried about being stuck in her third-floor walk-up (above a bar) with nothing to do. I guess if I get too bored I could just go downstairs and drink! LOL, but with my methadone, that's not the brightest idea...

I'm irritated at myself that I don't write enough... I don't know why I don't write more often - It comes down to the same reason everthing else stands by the wayside - pure laziness. I often with that I could somehow instantly transcribe the thoughts in my head to paper or computer merely by thinking them. Wouldn't that be, like, the MOST fantastic thing ever? No more typing or writing... Now, I KNOW, I KNOW - they ALREADY have voice-recognition software that does this. You speak - It types. But that would actually involve sitting down and speaking to the computer, and if I was gonna do that I may as well just sit here and type it and save myself from looking like a jackass. No, I mean it would work WHENEVER I "thought" it to (if you get what I mean), and it would type just what I wanted... Now THAT would be magic.. LOL and impossible, without somesort of implanted chip in my brain. And that just sounds WAY too scary! Hey, did you know that during 99.9% of brain surgerys, the patient is kept awake, not even sedated, so that the surgeon doesn't accidently cut some super-major-important peice of brain?!? CRAZY!!! See, you learn something new everyday! By that I mean you, not me, cuz I already knew that... (I'm dumb)

Well, my potatos are almost done baking, and I need to get the pork chops under the broiler soon. I'm making Caramel Apple Crisp for dessert! MmmmMmmMmmYUMMY!!! It's my own secret receipe (which means I made it up -kinda- from mom's receipe with my secret touches I made up added... I'll let ya'll know how it turns out, and post the receipe if it's worth it...

~*